Things you learn from kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old… Duplos will not
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know
Ditto Tarzan
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jell-O
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will, however, make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, usually in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”
No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”
You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof
Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cel phone doesn’t work underwater.”
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer
Daddy’s shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy’s shoes is not good
Bugs are not a dietary supplement
Walnuts make the blender act funny
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination
Collecting things is good
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not
Eating string is a bad hobby
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby
Finger painting is good
Finger painting walls is dangerous
If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?” it’s too late
If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands?” you don’t want to know
If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth”, you REALLY don’t want to know
“Fan” and “flour” should never be heard in the same sentence
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium
Most toilets cannot consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking
Any sentence which contains the word “Oooops” is bad
Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?” means “prepare for bad news”
Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood
Opening all 24 of daddy’s cans of beer is a bad idea
Hiding parts of daddy’s computer can make your butt hurt
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood
Fish cannot use a remote control, even if it’s placed in their tank
“Why do fish float?” means trouble
Any sentence beginning with, “When [your pet’s name] dies…” is never a good sign
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat’s mood
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape
Cats get even

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There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old… Duplos will not

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jell-O

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will, however, make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, usually in retrospect)

2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”

No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”

You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof

Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cel phone doesn’t work underwater.”

Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

Never light fireworks inside

Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer

Daddy’s shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula

Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy’s shoes is not good

Bugs are not a dietary supplement

Walnuts make the blender act funny

Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination

Collecting things is good

Collecting things that come out of your nose is not

Eating string is a bad hobby

Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby

Finger painting is good

Finger painting walls is dangerous

If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?” it’s too late

If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands?” you don’t want to know

If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth”, you REALLY don’t want to know

“Fan” and “flour” should never be heard in the same sentence

The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium

Most toilets cannot consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking

Any sentence which contains the word “Oooops” is bad

Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?” means “prepare for bad news”

Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood

Opening all 24 of daddy’s cans of beer is a bad idea

Hiding parts of daddy’s computer can make your butt hurt

Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood

Fish cannot use a remote control, even if it’s placed in their tank

“Why do fish float?” means trouble

Any sentence beginning with, “When [your pet’s name] dies…” is never a good sign

Setting the hamsters free changes the cat’s mood

Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape

Cats get even

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