Things you learn from kids

  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

  • A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room

  • Baseballs make marks on ceilings

  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late

  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

  • A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

  • A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies

  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes

  • A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep

  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old… Duplos will not

  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

  • Super glue is forever

  • McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know

  • Ditto Tarzan

  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water

  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O

  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is

  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on

  • Plastic toys do not like ovens

  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

  • It will, however, make cats dizzy

  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

  • Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry

  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, usually in retrospect)

  • 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”

  • No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”

  • You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof

  • Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cel phone doesn’t work underwater.”

  • Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

  • Never light fireworks inside

  • Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer

  • Daddy’s shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula

  • Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy’s shoes is not good

  • Bugs are not a dietary supplement

  • Walnuts make the blender act funny

  • Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination

  • Collecting things is good

  • Collecting things that come out of your nose is not

  • Eating string is a bad hobby

  • Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby

  • Finger painting is good

  • Finger painting walls is dangerous

  • If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?” it’s too late

  • If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands?” you don’t want to know

  • If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth”, you REALLY don’t want to know

  • “Fan” and “flour” should never be heard in the same sentence

  • The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium

  • Most toilets cannot consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking

  • Any sentence which contains the word “Oooops” is bad

  • Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?” means “prepare for bad news”

  • Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood

  • Opening all 24 of daddy’s cans of beer is a bad idea

  • Hiding parts of daddy’s computer can make your butt hurt

  • Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood

  • Fish cannot use a remote control, even if it’s placed in their tank

  • “Why do fish float?” means trouble

  • Any sentence beginning with, “When [your pet’s name] dies…” is never a good sign

  • Setting the hamsters free changes the cat’s mood

  • Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape

  • Cats get even

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