You Forgot Your Common Sense

Okay Sugas, as much as I would love to sit and talk to you guys all day an get paid for it, I do have a “regular” job. Lets talk about how to survive work.

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. If you have the ability to take stuff home- do it, looks like you are willing to burn the midnight oil for the company.

2. Always have multiple screens up on the computer
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  When you get caught by your boss – and you usually will get caught (so stop perfecting resignation letters) — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of stuff around your desk. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. That blinking light makes you look in high demand.  Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. Turn your desk so whenever someone has to walk by or come to you your back is to them and you’re sitting up, no one has to know you were actually napping. 😉

Okay Sugas, now get to work!